As someone who met their husband online, I understand the urge to want to throw your phone against a wall—or maybe just give up altogether in this modern dating world..
But please don't give up. In this article (and video if you prefer to watch), we're going to tackle the frustration of dating in today's fast-paced world and how you can attract the right partner.
If we haven't met, I'm an Intuitive and mindfulness teacher who helps people create the healthy relationships they deserve. Read more about me here.
1. For Dating Apps or Against?
If there were a Law and Order episode about dating apps, the jury would be out, meaning people love to hate them. But the reality is—60% of people meet online.
As much as they can suck, I truly believe we should keep one foot in the apps world. If you're single and want a healthy relationship, you wouldn't want to skip this avenue altogether.
I spoke about it in this article & video - 5 ways you're unknowingly blocking love—just saying "I hate apps" and leaving it at that could be a sign of something deeper, so go check that one out.
In the world of meditation teaching and Buddhist philosophy, we talk about suffering being created when we resist 'what is'. We can say all day that the state of modern dating isn't great, and we know dating apps can be terrible at times, but we also know 60% of people meet that way.
One way to make it easier? Accepting what is - it isn't always great on there, but keep it as one of your options can be the best way to go.
2. Stop Wasting Time With the Wrong Ones
Thanks to pure volume, we're exposed to SO many wrong matches—whether that's on the apps or IRL. The world has opened up and changing dating in this way.
This volume can be great, but we can also waste way too much time with the wrong ones.
It's important you figure out a tactic that works for you to cut back on that time-wasting.
Here's what I did:
I wouldn't chat with someone for longer than a week.
I wouldn't move the convo to WhatsApp or Instagram (leading to more endless chatting).
If no date was initiated within a week, I'd move on.
Sometimes, I'd ask them out myself (which is obviously debated in the heteronormative world), but again—they'd either say yes or it would end the chatting.
(I go into more detail in the video below).
Likewise, for dates, it's important not to waste your time
I see a 'first date' as just a decider of whether you want to go on a first real date. Keep it short, keep it sweet—grab a coffee, go for a walk.
Chatting online is SO different than meeting in person. If you're completely burned out by the process, it could be because too much time is being wasted with the wrong ones.
3. Rejection Overload
We can be exhausted because the sheer volume means a lot of mismatching and a lot of potential rejection.
I've got a video coming to help you reframe it. It'll help you stop feeling so emotionally exhausted by the whole process. Let me know here if you want me to send you this video when it's live.
4. Be Clear on Your Intentions—and Theirs
It's easy to get caught up in the casual culture of online dating, and it can leave us jaded. Sometimes, we start fearing rejection so much that we act transactional ourselves. We can also fear that being ourselves will scare people off.
But ultimately, that leaves us hanging around the wrong ones and not any closer to the right ones.
Some apps let you be clear about what you're looking for with filters—that's a start. Somewhere along the first few dates, you want to get clear on what the other person is after too.
A grown person is not going to be scared off by this—it took me a long time to realize this. So don't fear scaring anyone off.
This doesn't mean you 'job interview' them on the first date (or even on the apps). But also pay attention...
Do their actions meet their words? For example, do they say they're looking for a relationship but then leave you on read for days at a time?
I've also got a video coming on how to stop attracting emotionally unavailable people. Let me know here if you want me to send you that when it's live.
5. IRL
Years ago, a friend and I joked that it would become a cool trend to get back into IRL (in real life) meetings.
It hasn't happened yet. While apps remain dominant, it's still worth putting yourself out there IRL:
Tell your friends and coworkers that you're open to meeting someone.
Join clubs and events you're genuinely interested in—you never know who might introduce you to someone.
Be open: Take your headphones out, and your glasses off—practice conversations with people you wouldn't date, so when the cutie comes along, you can spark a convo.
Check out meetups, speed dating, or events designed for singles—why not give them a go?
6. Don't Buy Into Instant Gratification
When I was growing up, our video store doubled as a liquor store. There was a pretty limited amount of movies to choose from.
These days, we open Netflix and there's more content than that 80s youngster could dream of. Same with Spotify—every song ever made is in our pocket, it blows the mind.
And Amazon? We order something and it's here right away.
We're living in a culture of instant gratification, and we can start to expect relationships to work the same way.
Give people a chance longer than you might think (as long as it's safe to do so and there are no red flags).
Don't expect people to be perfect—Instagram will fool you into thinking everyone else's relationships are perfect, but the truth is, no one's is.
Expect things to be a bit difficult and require work. Relationships aren't always magical like in the movies.
Treat people the way you'd want to be treated.
Modern dating can be challenging, but it's not impossible.
Focus on being authentic and use these tips to keep moving toward your goal of meeting your person—while also avoiding being energetically drained by the process.
Save your energy for the right ones, and stop wasting it on the wrong ones. You can get started with this free guide: 7 Ways to Shift Your Energy and Mindset to Attract Your Dream Person.
It'll help you start shifting toward the healthy relationship you deserve.
Watch the video in full below
And if you'd love to attract and create a healthy relationship, let's work together - find out more here.
If you've been struggling to put yourself out there, fearing rejection, dealing with heartbreak or noticing patterns from childhood entering into your relationships, I can support you with all of this.
Louise x
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